Manic Transmissions

Beauty in the Chaos

2010-06-10T13:19:00.000-04:00

I know when I'm heading downhill. I know what the triggers are, for the most part. Sometimes I let myself get caught up in them anyway especially when it's something really important to me. It's hard to live a completely stress free life. Believe it or not I actually used to be pretty good in high stress situations. Though looking back, the amount of time I spent stressed out is probably part of the reason I have a low tolerance for it now. Apparently my high stress levels early in life fried my brain for any stress the REST of my life. Go figure.

I spend a good portion of my quiet time analyzing my emotions, state of mind, rational/irrational thinking. I'm trying to figure out this disease & what cause/effect it has on me. I'm like my own guinea pig lol! In the process I'm learning a lot about myself. On the other hand I feel like this disease consumes my life. I wake up every morning with an uncertainty of how I'll feel or who I'll be. That in itself can be maddening, unable to even depend on yourself.

My huband, who understands without judgement & loves me unconditionally, is not always by my side so I've learned to cope by myself. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful support group without him here. I have family and some amazing friends who are aware & know when I'm going a little haywire. I really couldn't ask for more. Though it's still hard for me to explain my feelings to them sometimes. I've spent the majority of my life holding people at arm's length so they couldn't see what was inside of me. One of the hardest things I've ever done was admit I believe I'm bipolar. Harder yet has been the acceptance of professional confirmation of the diagnosis. It's like being told you're defective, it's life-altering. Terrifying.

The majority of my life I've been high strung, everything had to be perfect, fall into place just so. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning that there's a certain beauty to my faults. While being bipolar makes me flighty & spontaneous, never sure of what's going to happen next, it's those same things that have caused me to have some of the most fun. The mania makes me rash & do things that I would normally be too scared to do or talk myself out of. The depression gives me a creativity & insight that I wouldn't have otherwise. I've written stories, poems, drawn pictures, painted, & taken amazing photographs. There's beauty in the chaos of my brain & it gives me hope ♥

Normal?

2010-06-05T22:56:00.000-04:00

I wonder sometimes what it's like to be normal. Or whatever the "norm" is supposed to be. Then I realize that I'll never be that, wouldn't want to be that, and I'm perfectly fine being my kind of "normal". I think that my circumstances make it easier for me to empathize with others. It makes me slower to judge & quicker to understand.

~Comfort and prosperity have never enriched the world as much as adversity has.~

Too Much

2010-06-03T01:01:00.000-04:00

So after sitting here for a few minutes trying to decide how to open up this post I've come to the conclusion that it's my blog I can open it however I want. Letting you know about this dilemma within myself is how I decided to do it :oP

Wanna know what happens when I start to sleep less? Mania. Or maybe the mania makes me need less sleep? Wanna know what else happens if I run off little sleep? I hear things. It's weird, yes but it happens.

I had a bit of an impulsive, reckless day today. My hunny is coming home soon & I'm running in overdrive, determined to get everything done before he gets here. Can you tell I'm not really feelin' this post? But I figured I needed to put it out there because it's part of the process. I can't piece together, or even hold together my thoughts long enough to type them out. I'll try again tomorrow, maybe it will make more sense.

New Direction

2010-05-31T22:46:00.001-04:00

I've been doing some soul searching and I've come to a conclusion: it takes forever. lol

I've also decided that I'm going to turn this blog into my daily(HA! daily?!) journal to give us all a peek into my head, errr... life with bipolar. You may read things here that make you uncomfortable, laugh, cry, think, or believe I'm just insane. All of which are perfectly normal. I'm doing this to help myself and all of you(some like me, some not) to understand what it's like to be me on good days & bad days. I'm not putting this out there to be judged but to be UNDERSTOOD.

It's going to be a difficult process for me but I feel this is what I need to do. It's scary to put ones personal hardships out there for the world to see. I'm going in no-holds-barred though. I've decided to add a disclaimer of sorts: I am not a doctor. The things that I say here are 100% MY experiences & may vary widely compared to others with a similar/like disease. Please seek a professional opinion before attempting to come off any medications and/or self-diagnosing your illness.

Bipolar disorder is not a "by-the-book" disease, many experiences are different depending on the people afflicted. There are what I call Pillars, the basics so to speak. Once these Pillars start crumbling is when everyones experience starts to vary. My Pillars are supportive family/friends, stress free environment, good sleep habits, absolutely no use of drugs & minimal alcohol use. I'll admit that the hardest of these for me to control is alcohol use especially when I start sleeping poorly.

I am currently NOT medicated. I like myself more when I'm not feeling like a zombie just to act "normal". For me this means that I have to, at all times, be super aware of my triggers & lifestyle. I haven't been medicated for almost 8 years. Is it hard? Yes. Would it be easier to be zombie-like? Sure. Have I fallen off the deep end during those 8 years? Absolutely but I fought my way back up. The Type A personality I have demands that I know absolutely everything about this disease & how I can learn to live with it. I'll never have control over it which has been hard for me to come to terms with but I can learn ways to cope. As long as I'm willing to learn & try to understand this disease then I feel like I've got the edge :o)

Throughout this learning experience I'll give you some glimpses into my past experiences. Plus some of the things I now realize could be attributed to bipolar & not me just being crazy, which is exactly how I felt for a long time. So the journey begins & hopefully by speaking out I can help others better understand themselves and/or their loved ones.

Things I Learned From My Mother

2010-05-09T16:20:00.000-04:00

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23.. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25.. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

Happy Mother's Day!!

Countin' Down the Days

2010-04-23T12:26:00.000-04:00

I don't talk to my husband as often as I'd like. When we do it's mostly IM's but even that hasn't been working out for us lately. I understand he's a busy man. He has a job to do & that doesn't include talking to me every day. I honestly wouldn't change a thing about it because that makes the times we DO talk that much sweeter :o)

My phone started ringing one evening this week. I'd been on the phone most of the day, texting, talking, etc so I was a lil irritated that here I was hands deep in the messy making of delicious lasagna & my phone was going off AGAIN. I washed off my hands, glanced down at my phone, & immediately the butterflies started. It was HIM! How many women in the world today can say they STILL get butterflies when their husbands call them?

The sound of his voice sets off my emotions like no other. He sounded happy & was laughing, we were making jokes & being playful. The kids got to talk to him & of course that made their day & his too ♥ When we got off the phone I was on cloud 9. I called my daddy to fill him in on the latest news from Iraq. We all miss Dave like crazy :o) & after I had time to finish up the lasagna & pop it in the oven I was an emotional mess. Absolutely no clue why but I think it finally hit me that I miss him terribly. I normally push it down & go on with my life but it gets lonely without him here.

Don't get me wrong, I am surrounded by some of the greatest friends here. I love these girls & am SO happy I found them ♥ But I think we can all agree that there's nothing like having the man we love in our arms, home safe. I forget how much he keeps me together or all the things he does for me. He spoils me & when he's gone it becomes apparent to me exactly how spoiled I am. So needless to say we're countin' down the days until he's home again. & we're feeling blessed to have such a wonderful man to miss :o)

Sorry For the Interruption Folks

2010-03-24T13:44:00.001-04:00

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming with this brief bit of drama *beep* :

Why do you continue to stalk my website? Yes, you. You know who you are. Is your life not interesting enough? Does your douchebag husband not spread enough lies to keep you thoroughly entertained? You're both pathetic & it's time to find a new hobby. The one you're currently fixated on is about to result in injuries & ridicule that I don't think either of you can handle. In case you missed it, it's the big red button with an X at the top right hand corner of your screen. Click it & don't come back, k?! Thanks.

*beep *We now take you back to your regularly scheduled program already in progress :o)

Responsibility: Myth? Part II

2010-03-23T08:32:00.000-04:00

Alrighty, now that you've heard my responsibility speech I'll give you the other side of my thoughts :o)

I believe healthcare reform has HUGE potential. I don't agree with everything in it, or what's written between the lines or in fine print. Yes I'm a fine print reader :oP But if handled correctly it could be successful. Don't get me wrong, it's not going to "fix" America but it may help put us on the right track.

I received a call from my dad yesterday. He'd read my blog & wanted to talk about his thoughts on the reform. There are things that he doesn't agree with and things he does. He is one of the 40 million people in America WITHOUT healthcare. He has diabetes, high blood pressure, anxiety, & has been hospitalized for all 3. For someone is who currently out of work because of our shitty economy & his illnesses, how do you think he'll afford to pay those hospital bills? He can't. He'll sit by & pray that the hospital is kind enough to write it off. He'll try to sign up for disability but that could take years & in the meantime how does he pay his bills? He can't. So many people are currently in his situation across America. We are one of the richest countries in the world & we cannot take care of our sick and/or elderly. Healthcare Reform could help that.

I don't agree with anyone being penalized if they choose NOT to accept healthcare. You see, we are a healthy family. We don't get sick often. There have been times in my life where it was easier/cheaper for me to pay doctor's visits out of my pocket rather than pay for health insurance. It's true. So I can understand why some would choose to go without it. But on the other hand, it's healthcare provided for you, why wouldn't you take advantage of that?

I could sit the whole day & highlight the pros & cons. We could go back and forth. I can see both arguing sides, they both have good points. But in the end what can it really hurt to give this reform a try. If it doesn't work then we'll scrap it and try again. & I'll just end by saying that had we taken greater responsibility for ourselves, our actions or lack thereof, & others, there would be no reason for this debate that has, once again, split our country in half.

I guess one thing I'll never understand is how someone can be so for or against something that they would let their opinions ruin friendships or use it as justification for being simply horrible to other people. Case in Point:

Responsibility: Myth?

2010-03-22T11:39:00.001-04:00

So I've been sitting idly by for the past few weeks watching this Healthcare Reform debate escalate into something unbecoming of society. This whole system is fucked. I've read article after article, watched debate after fucking debate, seen FRIENDS get pissed at each other because of differing opinions over this issue, and my words are: It's(America) fucked. Don't get me wrong, I love America & everything it stands for but our government is going to Hell in a handbasket & we are driving the bus.

I believe that somewhere along Society's growth pattern we decided that we shouldn't be responsible for ourselves, that the government owed us. So we've ultimately laid all our problems at the governments feet & said "Fix it". & in turn they've tried to do exactly what we asked. Unfortunately it's left us a bunch of whiny, sniveling brats. The govt now has so much control that many fear our "freedom" is about to become govt ran. We've only done this to ourselves. Ask and you shall receive but there's great responsibility and consequences that follow. Be careful what you ask for.

So the govt did it's best & tried to fix our problems. What we didn't realize is that it COSTS MONEY. We pay more in taxes. Did you think the govt help was going to be free?? So we're taxed to the point that every day life is a struggle. As if it wasn't bad enough when we laid all our problems at the gov'ts door in the first place. So in the end we ALL fucked up. The govt shouldn't have coddled us & handed our fix to us. They should have taught us responsibility, made us responsible for our actions, & gave us the tools we needed to fix it on OUR OWN, without handouts. As a society we should hold ourselves & each other more responsible for our well-being. At what point did we become such selfish pricks?? There are so many people out there who have the means to help other people but refuse. Why? "Those with the ability have the greatest responsibility."

“It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.” & this folks, is exactly what we are dealing with today, the consequences of letting someone else hold up our end of the bargain. The gov'ts job includes justice, equality, & an obligation to provide economic stability. Now here's where I may piss a few people off. No where in the list of jobs the govt is supposed to uphold does it include Healthcare. Sorry but it doesn't. It SHOULD include setting up standards for healthcare making it fair & equal for everyone, ensuring that the healthcare system doesn't rip us all a new asshole. We shouldn't be without healthcare because we have a pre-existing condition or we can't afford it. Healthcare should be AFFORDABLE & available for ALL. There should be restrictions put on doctors/specialists/drug companies charges. It should be FAIR, whether it's based on your yearly income or medical needs.

I understand that healthcare is essential. But it comes back to this: America was founded to be a country of free, independent individuals & we've slowly become a country dependent on it's government. The more we ask of them, the more we pay for it. It's time to stand up & take responsibility for ourselves & others. This new Healthcare Reform is NOT going to fix our problems.

Did you know that the most prevalent illnesses can be avoided by simply taking better care of yourself? TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

FYI: I currently have family members who cannot afford healthcare. These same family members have diseases/illnesses that require constant attention. I am in NO WAY saying that "oh well you should be on your own". I am saying that the government should make healthcare FAIR & AFFORDABLE so the people in need the most can get the care & medication necessary. I will help my family in any way I can because I have the means. I'll pay for the medication, I'll pay the doctor's bills, etc. I am taking responsibility for others welfare. I am taking responsibility of MY OWN by eating better & exercising. It's got to start somewhere.

“We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.” ~Bill Maher

*No worries, this isn't the end of my thoughts, just pausing*

Quote of the Week

2010-03-21T14:51:00.000-04:00

I talked to my darling husband this week. Our conversation was a mixture of funny & serious topics. We discussed our future, where we wanted it to go, & what kind of decisions needed to be made to get us there. In the end this was our conclusion:

ME: "I'll follow you where ever you go so it's all cool with me. I just want you home & happy."

My Husband: "Me too. I mean, if I'm not home & happy then I wanna be fuckin' up somebody else's shit to compensate for it."

God I love this man. We think alike ;o)

A Lil FYI

2010-03-11T09:17:00.000-05:00

I posted an entry over on JonesHousehold6, if you're interested & you should be 'cause my kids are funny :oP & I've decided to post about our new discipline habits & trying to get back to our "normal", over on JH6 too, basically because it's about us as a family & SHOULD be posted over there. How are you liking my run-on sentences this morning? I've been busting them out left & right :oP So yeah there'll be another blog posted over there today about our progress on my behavior standards or lack thereof. I've found something simple that seems to be working so if you're interested be on the look out for that today.

& at some point I'll get back to posting about my craziness, world issues, deployment, & all the happy horseshit I've been feeling concerning that lately. Fun, fun, fun :o)

One Year Ago Today

2010-03-07T10:48:00.000-05:00

This is the moment I drove 18 hours with 4 kids for:

I waited a year, most impatiently, to be held in this man's arms again. To know that he was safely home again on American soil. To Breathe Again. Trust me, living without this man halts my body's ability to function normally. My lungs didn't truly breathe, my heart didn't truly beat, my brain was purely on survival mode. Then he was in front of me, not a daydream but physically there & I came alive again. This entire day is thoroughly seared into my brain, from the moment I woke up, to meeting Bosquez & Janet at the hotel, the car ride onto post, the waiting, the Sundrop, the waiting some more, the buses, formation, searching for his face in the sea of ACU's, his eyes, his lips, the first touch, kiss, his arms wrapped around me, it was bliss. A moment in time that will forever be ours. It's a feeling like no other. Completely Divine. Love.

This is his take on the moment:
"My heart was beating so hard at this moment, I just wanted to stare at you and hold you right there, your hair smelled so good, you felt so warm and soft, and those eyes and my whole being just begging for you to be real, and you were there...finally, God how I missed you, just like now. I miss you terribly and I Love You fiercely!! ALWAYS n FOREVER!!!!"

& here we are a year later & my love is gone again. & MY whole being is screaming for our next homecoming. I am waiting, most impatiently, again but for this man I would wait an eternity ♥

Fixin' My Wrongs

2010-03-04T09:50:00.000-05:00

On occasion I take an inventory of my life, a list of pros & cons, things I want to change - make better - grow stronger. I've been doing a bit of inventory lately. I'm realizing that somewhere along the line my life has gotten a bit out of hand. & at the top of my "Damn I'm Fuckin It Up" list are my children. I am certainly not up for a mother of the year award. Now while I don't see myself as a "bad" mother, I DO feel like I have LOTS of room for improvement. I give single mothers a continuous round of applause, I don't know how they do it. A single mother is pretty much how I've been feeling for the past 3 years(a post on this later, promise). It's exhausting.

I love my children. I want the best for them. I wish them happiness, peace, & love in their lives. I realized that, unfortunately, they aren't even getting that at home. How can I wish for my children something that I cannot even provide them myself?

You see I started to overcompensate for my mental instability at some point. I figured if I kept my kids busy they wouldn't notice that my brain was faltering. So we got involved in sports, clubs at school, the Y, children's church, & stayed busy with friends on the days in between. Seriously, we had weeks where we may have had ONE day of downtime, aka cleaning day. I did this with good intentions but remember that saying I tend to use frequently? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Well I'm currently tryin' to back track because I'm almost to hell & the road is burnin' my feet :oP I've made things worse. I've lost touch with my children on some level, don't quite know where but it's there. So I'm determined to fix it & blog about the tools we use & the progress we make.

Happiness, Peace, Discipline, Fun, Stability & Love will be incorporated back into the Heart of this family. Mental Instability be Damned :o)

Life Happens

2010-02-17T16:30:00.000-05:00

So in the past few weeks Life has happened. I'd give you the highlights but I don't think I can even keep up with them right now. It's been a whirlwind of agendas, lists, emotions, & trying my damnedest to keep it all together. I'm keeping it tucked away inside a brain that is overloaded, packed full, & sputtering under the weight of the world. My plan is to slow things down, get back to the basics, & start over. Again. While I'm feeling good and mentally ok, I have recognized a couple days where I was teetering on the edge. I've made some rash, irresponsible decisions that luckily didn't end in disaster. But I've also had a lot of fun amid the confusion of daily life.

I'm counting down the damn weeks until this merry go round deployment is over. I'm sick of it, ready to get off, & find a more fun ride: say one where my husband is home longer than a few months, yeah one of those. We're down 14 wks, which leaves way too many months left :oP

The winter has been too cold for me, I wanted to move further south so I could be warm. It's not working. I want to move to a place where I can sport a perma tan all year long, mmmm the warm sunshine *sigh* Spring better be on it's way before I go completely loco.

So now that I'm done complaining let me tell ya that theres been some fantastic changes going on. Karma is playing a beautiful hand & about to take some people for the ride down shit river that they deserve :o) The SuperBowl was a great game, gorgeous lazy day at home & my team won!

& now that my attention span is at it's end, I'll be leaving this post, as is. Yep, this happens to me on a regular basis. But seriously I've got projects to work on, kids to care for & feed; you know the drill.

Capricious-ness

2010-02-01T13:48:00.000-05:00

So I was totally going to throw up a recipe today but to be honest the recipe really isn't all that. It involves this:

A lot of this:

Some frying & dipping:

Mmm & cheese, of course:

Messiness:

& eventually some of this:

It was good. The recipe came from PW's Cookbook but I must say I was a wee bit disappointed because MY way to make beef enchiladas is WAY easier & tastier. & I may very well post it here some day. Though seriously it may be a lil while cause life has happened here at the Jones residence. We are busy, busy bees. I haven't even been cooking that often & when I do it's simplicity at it's best. But I have plans, yes I do, & I will be back on the recipe rollcall as soon as basketball season is over.

Speaking of plans, I'm going home to NC this weekend. I've decided I'm going to cook for my family, they need it desperately, I can tell :oP I'm thinking lasagna, my chicken enchiladas or quesadillas, something along those lines. I need to come up with my grocery list now because I will surely forget half of the ingredients once I'm there.

I have also come up with a kick ass gift idea that's versatile :o) I'm currently working on one now. Keeping my fingers crossed that it comes out how I want. & thankfully I have a few months to get them done in time for Mother's Day & Father's Day :o) Yep that's all I can say lol!

So there ya have it, an update on food that didn't thrill me, a road trip to heal me, & gifts that let my creativity flow. Hope you have a great week!

More Than A Decade

2010-01-28T15:37:00.000-05:00

I love proving people wrong. I like knowing I am right. So for everyone who, more than 11 years ago, told us we were crazy for getting married & how it would never last – I just want to say YOU WERE WRONG :o) & I’m ecstatic to announce that on Friday, January 29th, 2010 Dave & I will celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary.

11 years of joy, sorrow, ups & downs, time together & too much time apart, butterflies, growing up, & lots of lessons learned. I would not change a single day. Some days the years seem like an eternity & other days it feels like we’re just getting started. Either way I know I want to spend it with Dave.

& the reasons why it must be Dave are an infinite list. The top reason would be:
He loves me. Simply, unconditionally, he loves me. Not who he wants me to be but JUST ME. Let me tell ya folks, it's a fabulous feeling to walk around knowing that you're loved by this man ♥ He loves me & I feel like the world is mine for the taking :o)

So here's to at least 5 more decades, we'll end with a lil tune from one of our many favorite movies :o)

*I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad. Carry you around when your arthritis is bad. Oh, all I wanna do is grow old with you.

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches. Build you a fire if the furnace breaks. Oh, I could be the man who grows old with you.

I'll miss you, kiss you. Give you my coat when you are cold. Need you, feed you. Even let you hold the remote control. So let me do the dishes in the kitchen sink. Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink. Oh, I could be the man who grows old with you.

I wanna grow old with you.*

Love you Dave ♥always & forever♥

A Lil Plug

2010-01-25T20:29:00.000-05:00

There's an organization that has become a part of my life. I happened upon it while seeking help, answers, & music. Anyone who knows me, knows that Blue October is one my all time favorite bands. Well on their Pick Up the Phone tour some of the organizations listed included HopeLine, Postsecret, & To Write Love On Her Arms.

TWLOHA(To Write Love On Her Arms) is a fabulous non-profit movement. I read their vision statement on their website & just READING it, gave me hope. It reminded me that I'm not alone & while sometimes I may not feel worthy, people love me & depend on me. So I want to share their vision with you. Read it, feel it, know it, it could save YOUR life or someone's you love. If you cannot give a donation, maybe buy a t-shirt instead, spread the word. An estimated 19 million people in America suffer from depression & suicide is the THIRD leading cause of death in people aged 18-24. It's scary statistics folks.
The following is straight off their website:

MISSION STATEMENT:

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

VISION:

The vision is that we actually believe these things…

You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck.

We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We're seeing it happen. We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change.

Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.

The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.

The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.

The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.

Brain Randoms

2010-01-19T14:10:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks. Plenty of things to say just not the time to say it. OR not the RIGHT time to say it. Believe it or not I've been holding my tongue quite a bit lately. I've found it interesting to step back & see how things play out. People are amusing.

So we are in week 3 of cheerleading & is it horrible that I cannot wait for it to be over? It's not the actual cheerleading, it's more the commitment that brings the waves of dread. I don't like that it's a requirement in my life, I have to go to games, I have to go to practice. Some days I don't want to put forth the effort. I don't want yet another thing on my list to do :oP Sounds lazy I'm sure but in reality it's simply a brain overload. Stress equals a fried brain which leads to a difficult state of mind for me: mania - & that leads me to my next topic.

I've known my downward spiral was coming. I'd pushed it away for months, ignored it, fought it, denied it's entrance into my world. But it simply becomes inevitable. My episodes recur every 2 years or so. I lasted 3 years this time. I hate to call it an "episode" because it wasn't a full blown manic depressive state. It's changed up on me a bit. In fact it's duration was much shorter than I anticipated. But the thoughts I had no control over. & when it was all over it was like someone went into my head flipped a switch while I was sleeping & I was perfectly fine the next morning. While I find that amazing, it also worries me. It was unexpected and different than what I'm used to. So I'm not complaining but I'm keeping a close watch on my mental state, noting the changes & hopeful that possibly this med-free treatment may be working :o)

& since I haven't mentioned it lately - deployments suck! LOL! We're 12 wks in people. Some days that 12 wks feels like an eternity & other days it's like he just left. I'm so ready to have my husband home. It's crazy to type it but we thrive when we're with each other. In 10 days we will have been married for 11 years. I can't believe it. & don't worry there will be a sappy, love-filled post all about it :oP

So I've currently had my fill of updating my blog. I'll be posting some recipes, hopefully, this week. Maybe some photos since it's warming up here in the south. Speaking of warm....I tanned today!! Ah how I miss it when I've been away from those UV rays for too long lol! Okay I'm done now. :oP

Kay-Sah-Dill-Ahs

2010-01-06T21:14:00.000-05:00

Or at least that's what Dave calls them to aggravate the sheesh outta me :o) & I'm pretty sure I've posted a recipe about them before but they're delicious enough to warrant a second post lol! This time I mixed it up a bit.

Do you know what makes it extra yummy & throws a hint of spice into the mix??
Rotel - diced tomatoes with green chilies*sigh* Perfection.
Cook your chicken, dice it up, & add the Rotel, trust me.

Mix it all up & add cheddar cheese then some mozzarella, you MUST add mozzarella.

We're not going to heat these tortillas until they're crispy, we want them soft & pliable.

The kids ate them with scoops, salsa, & sour cream on the side

I have mine with the works :o) Salsa, sour cream, lots of olives, & a few jalapenos YUM!

It's quick, it's simple, it's Delicious!

Chicken Spaghetti

2009-12-28T20:56:00.000-05:00

This is another recipe from PW's Cookbook. It sounds weird but tastes delicious, trust me :o)

Things You Need:
Chicken: 1 cut up fryer chicken OR about 2 lbs of chicken breast tenders
1 lb. thin spaghetti, broken into 2 inch pcs.
1- 4oz. jar diced pimientos, drained
1 small onion
1/4 c. finely diced green bell pepper
2 cans cream of mushroom soup
2 1/2 c. cheddar cheese
1 tsp. seasoned salt
black pepper
1/8 tsp. cayenne pepper or 1/4 tsp. depending on how spicy you're feeling ;o)

The Process:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Cook your chicken in a pot of boiling water. Once done remove chicken & cut into bite size pcs. Also remove 2 cups of broth from the pot & set aside.
Boil spaghetti in pot until al dente: in other words you don't want it too soft.
Dice the onion & bell pepper.
Drain spaghetti, add cans of mushroom soup, 2 cups of cheddar cheese, onion, green pepper, & pimiento. Then season with black pepper, cayenne pepper, & seasoned pepper. Last add chicken & remaining 2 cups of broth. Stir together well.
Pour into a casserole dish, top with the last of cheddar cheese. Bake for 40 minutes or until bubbly.

My kids were not 100% happy with this recipe but it's to be expected. My kids don't like onions or bell peppers. They thought it had a great taste but didn't like the "green crunchy part" lol! So I figure next time I'll split off a tiny bit for myself with green peppers & add mushrooms to theirs instead :o) They think they'll like it better that way. But overall I thought it was a great dish & simple to make. The hardest part is the dicing. What I like is that you can consolidate everything into ONE pot, easy cleanup!

Lasagna & Olive Cheese Bread

2009-12-16T14:55:00.000-05:00

So I've started trying out the recipes in PW's Cookbook. So far everything has been delicious :o)

We'll start out with the Olive Cheese Bread, it's divine. Seriously you could eat this bread, add a salad, & you've got a full meal. I ate 3 pieces :oP This recipe makes a LARGE amount so feel free to cut it in half or you can refrigerate & use later in the week :o)

Here's what you need:
1 - 14.5 oz can black olives, drained
1 - 6 oz jar pimiento-stuffed green olives, drained
2 green onions (*I actually left these out b/c I forgot to buy them)
1 stick of butter, softened
1/2 cup real mayo
1 pound Monterey Jack cheese, grated
1 loaf crusty French bread (*I used Texas Toast instead)

Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
Dice the black olives pretty tiny. Dice the green olives not so tiny :o)
Dice the green onions, if you remembered to buy them lol!
Throw all your ingredients into a bowl: olives, onions, butter, mayo, & cheese
Mix it up until it's good & combined.
Then spread it on your bread.
Bake for 20-25 minutes unless you used Texas Toast then it's more like about 10 minutes.

You can literally eat the mixture right out of the bowl. I did.

Or you can stick to the rules & wait until the bread's done :oP

The lasagna is a lil more complicated but it's SO worth it. By far the BEST lasagna I've ever made :o)
We'll start with:
10 oz lasagna noodles (*I actually only used 8 noodles - save the others for the next time)
1.5 pounds hamburger meat
1 pound hot sausage
4 garlic cloves, finely chopped
2 - 14.5 oz cans WHOLE tomatoes
2 - 6 oz cans tomato PASTE
10-12 Basil leaves (*The market didn't have any so I left these out)
1/4 cup chopped flat leaf parsley (*Again the market was out, must've been the end of the week lol)
(*I substituted fresh oregano for the basil/parsley)
3 cups low-fat cottage cheese
2 eggs, beaten
1 cup Parmesan cheese, grated
Salt & pepper

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Most of the prep is regular ol' stuff.
Boil your noodles with salt & Tbsp of olive oil. You don't want your noodles falling apart so watch them as they boil.
Saute your hamburger, sausage, & garlic. Drain off the fat.
Add the whole can of tomatoes, juice & all, tomato paste, 1/2 tsp. salt & pepper.
Stir together well & simmer for about 30-45 minutes depending on how much time you have & how hungry you are :o)
At this point you chop up your basil & parsley(*OR oregano lol!)
Add half to your meat mixture, set the other half to the side.
In a bowl, combine cottage cheese, eggs, 1/2 cup of the Parmesan, & the rest of the herbs you chopped. Stir well.

Now we're going to layer them all. Lay 4 noodles on the bottom of your casserole dish. Half of the cottage cheese mixture goes on top of that, spread it out. Then comes half of the mozzarella cheese YUM! Then half the meat mixture & spread. Now repeat with the remaining noodles, cottage cheese, mozzarella, & meat mixtures. Sprinkle the top with Parmesan.
Bake for 35-45 minutes. Let stand for 10 minutes before you cut into slices.

Folks it's deeeeeelicious, you've got my word. My kids licked their plates clean, no joke!

Apple Biscuits

2009-12-13T12:08:00.000-05:00

I keep so many things on hand in my kitchen that I can make just about anything at a moment's notice. I enjoy it. So last night while I was reading a romance novel & beginning to feel sorry for myself - all the damn love in the air was about to choke me :oP - I decided to drown my sorrows in deliciously sinful goodies. So I scoped out my fridge to see what I had that I could just throw together. Hmm, biscuits & apples, there's nothing sweeter in the world, well for that moment at least lol!

So next time your feeling sorry for yourself grab a couple cans of cheap biscuits, some apples, brown sugar, white sugar, cinnamon, & butter - trust me you'll be better in no time :o)

This is not a time to measure, just throw it together, you cannot go wrong.

Yumminess!

Plop it on a biscuit :o)

Bake & Enjoy!

Chicken & Dumplings II

2009-12-12T12:24:00.000-05:00

Alrighty I've been asked to post my recipe from last night's dumplings. I've posted a recipe HERE before but I must admit that's not how I normally do it. Yes that recipe is still good but I've found that when I just kinda throw it all together by taste & feel, it turns out so much better :o) So here's my best explanation of an off the cuff chicken & dumplings "recipe".

I start by filling up halfway a large pot(5-6qt) with water. Then I do the same with a medium sized(2-3qt) pot, throw'em on the stove & set the water to boiling. I start looking in my fridge for goodies that I can throw together. Last night just happened to be peas, carrots, & mushrooms. I also had some fresh oregano on hand via my new oregano plant :o) YUM! So I start chopping my veggies, how many? I eyeball it, depending on if I'd like more veggies or chicken. I throw them in the medium pot to cook.

I pullout my chicken breast & slice them into tenders, plop them into the large pot of boiling water. Yes you can do this the hard way by cooking an entire chicken, pulling the meat from the bones, etc etc. It's still probably one of the tastiest ways but I'm a last minute kind of gal so I don't always have time to boil an entire chicken :oP For now your work is done, let the veggies & chicken boil until done/tender.

The chicken needs to be cut again once it's cooked thoroughly. So I pull them out of the pot & commence to dicing to whatever size I deem appropriate for the evening lol! & if you look inside your pot of "water", guess what? You now have chicken stock! At this point you can leave the stock the way it is or you can add a lil chicken bouillon to it. I add the cubes, about 4, just enough to give it some extra flavor. Maybe add a dash or 2 of salt & pepper. And of course, some milk, about 1-2 cups, again I don't measure I just pour :oP Throw your diced chicken in, along with your veggies(the whole pot, water n all). I finely minced about 2 large leaves of oregano & threw those in too. Now let this boil for another 5-10 minutes, stir it up, let it all meet & mingle together :o)

Now everyone wants to know my dumpling secret, sshhh, it's..... are you ready for it?

Bisquick! Seriously this stuff is so versatile, you can do biscuits, pancakes, dumplings, just about anything bread wise. So just follow the directions on the box for dumplings(2 1/4 cup bisquick, 2/3 cup milk). Drop them into your boiling concoction of meat & veggies, about a spoonful at a time. Cover with a lid & let them "bake". Look at them, you'll know when they're done :o)

Now a few tips:
You can thicken up your dumplings with sour cream, milk, etc but the surest way to get them the consistency you want them is to watch how much stock/water you leave in your pot. You don't need a pot full of water to boil your chicken in. And remember the more things you add to that pot ie:chicken, veggies, other liquids, the more displacement of water your gonna have so start out with the smallest amount of water to get the job done. If you think you have too much then drain it off with a measuring cup & set it to the side. That way if you NEED the extra liquid you have it on hand all ready to go.

Now I'm by no means an expert, everything I've learned in the kitchen have been from various people in my life or by trial & error. But I don't think I'm half bad at it ;o)
My finished product:

Next recipe I'm dying to make: Eggplant Parmesan YUM!

Makes Me Better

2009-12-08T20:39:00.000-05:00

When I'm feeling down or having a rough day I normally get some love from my Princess Kitty :o)

And I do things like put my socks on my pup :o)

It makes me better.

One of Those Days

2009-12-06T13:28:00.000-05:00

I'm having one of those days where I'm struggling to keep it together. One of those days where I'm tired of doing it all by myself. I'm tired of the worry, coming home to an empty house, not having anyone to share my day with. I want to skip the holidays so I don't have to be reminded of yet another Christmas without him. I'm tired of the reminders. I don't need reminding, I live with it every day. I left the house yesterday without my phone. Didn't realize it until I picked up food. The desperation I felt was ridiculous. I don't want to be married to my phone or computer. I want my husband home.

Tomorrow I should be back to normal, whatever that is.