Beauty in the Chaos

I know when I'm heading downhill. I know what the triggers are, for the most part. Sometimes I let myself get caught up in them anyway especially when it's something really important to me. It's hard to live a completely stress free life. Believe it or not I actually used to be pretty good in high stress situations. Though looking back, the amount of time I spent stressed out is probably part of the reason I have a low tolerance for it now. Apparently my high stress levels early in life fried my brain for any stress the REST of my life. Go figure.

I spend a good portion of my quiet time analyzing my emotions, state of mind, rational/irrational thinking. I'm trying to figure out this disease & what cause/effect it has on me. I'm like my own guinea pig lol! In the process I'm learning a lot about myself. On the other hand I feel like this disease consumes my life. I wake up every morning with an uncertainty of how I'll feel or who I'll be. That in itself can be maddening, unable to even depend on yourself.

My huband, who understands without judgement & loves me unconditionally, is not always by my side so I've learned to cope by myself. Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful support group without him here. I have family and some amazing friends who are aware & know when I'm going a little haywire. I really couldn't ask for more. Though it's still hard for me to explain my feelings to them sometimes. I've spent the majority of my life holding people at arm's length so they couldn't see what was inside of me. One of the hardest things I've ever done was admit I believe I'm bipolar. Harder yet has been the acceptance of professional confirmation of the diagnosis. It's like being told you're defective, it's life-altering. Terrifying.

The majority of my life I've been high strung, everything had to be perfect, fall into place just so. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning that there's a certain beauty to my faults. While being bipolar makes me flighty & spontaneous, never sure of what's going to happen next, it's those same things that have caused me to have some of the most fun. The mania makes me rash & do things that I would normally be too scared to do or talk myself out of. The depression gives me a creativity & insight that I wouldn't have otherwise. I've written stories, poems, drawn pictures, painted, & taken amazing photographs. There's beauty in the chaos of my brain & it gives me hope ♥

Normal?

I wonder sometimes what it's like to be normal. Or whatever the "norm" is supposed to be. Then I realize that I'll never be that, wouldn't want to be that, and I'm perfectly fine being my kind of "normal". I think that my circumstances make it easier for me to empathize with others. It makes me slower to judge & quicker to understand.

~Comfort and prosperity have never enriched the world as much as adversity has.~

Too Much

So after sitting here for a few minutes trying to decide how to open up this post I've come to the conclusion that it's my blog I can open it however I want. Letting you know about this dilemma within myself is how I decided to do it :oP

Wanna know what happens when I start to sleep less? Mania. Or maybe the mania makes me need less sleep? Wanna know what else happens if I run off little sleep? I hear things. It's weird, yes but it happens.

I had a bit of an impulsive, reckless day today. My hunny is coming home soon & I'm running in overdrive, determined to get everything done before he gets here. Can you tell I'm not really feelin' this post? But I figured I needed to put it out there because it's part of the process. I can't piece together, or even hold together my thoughts long enough to type them out. I'll try again tomorrow, maybe it will make more sense.