Day Not Enough, uhh I Mean 1

Day One folks. Not so bad. I woke up with a crick in my neck but it eased as I got out of bed. & I'll admit I made a scrambled lunge for my phone, just to make sure I didn't miss a call from Dave. Another year with my phone glued to my side *sigh* who would have thought? Well I did actually. I swear when we first learned we were going to be stationed at Stewart I said to Dave "Worst case scenario you'll deploy again" Then I laughed thinking myself funny & not realizing that I had just sealed our fate. Give me just a second to kick myself in the ass for that one.

Yesterday evening was L.O.N.G. I could feel the clock tick inside my body, mocking me. Fighting tears during phone calls, hugs, laughs, photos, you name it & I was struggling not to cry. I think I did well though. We met up with our lil group of friends, boy the dread that was in the air could suffocate a person. We all wanted to go back & play Wii or Xbox, grill, be anywhere but where we were. I was doing fine until it came time for formation. Watching him walk away to line up, knowing that this was it. Then watching the Troop march off into the night, I was feeling a mix of sadness & intense pride.

The girls, I call them "the girls" but they're grown women lol, & I spent the evening talking & eating pizza. All the kids played, comforted one another when someone needed it, & wore themselves out. Spending time with each other really helped the night not feel so ominous. It got late & everyone headed home. The kids crashed out quick & I stayed up for a bit. I had been sitting in bed with my laptop for about 30 minutes before I noticed a note on my nightstand.

Brandi,
Honey I know that by the time you are reading this we have already said g-bye for another deployment. But please don't ever think that those "g-byes" are forever cause they ain't. Ya know it seems like ever since we met there's always been somethin that tries to keep us apart. Whether it was your parents, my friends, my own stupidity, or now the Army. No matter what though we always made it through & we did it together, Always & Forever, just like we always will. Don't ever forget that I Love You Brandi & make sure that our babies know that I love them and I always will! See ya soon!
Always & Forever
I love you!
David

PS .....Always & Forever..... is a very long time so don't go nowhere ok :)

The tears fell again. Blessed. That's the only way I can describe my life. Yes it's hard but how could I not love this man. He is the bravest, funniest, softest, smartest, most loving man. I am a lucky gal :o)

So this morning as I'm getting dressed I see Dave has left his clothes from yesterday lying out for me. He knows the drill. Absolutely nothing he wears on his last day home goes in the laundry. I keep it, unwashed until he comes home for mid-tour leave then he leaves another set of clothes :o) It may sound gross but it helps me get through some of those rough days. When I really miss him or need his comfort all I have to do is grab those clothes that smell so much like him & my day gets better. Yeah it may be weird to you but it works for ME so Ha!

I feel better than I expected to so the kids & I are throwing together last minute Halloween costumes so we can hit the streets in our neighborhood & come home with lots of loot tonight :o) So until next time I'll be glued to my phone with my camera around my neck catching all the special moments that Dave is missing. Happy Halloween!

My Famous State of "WTF Over!"

I am presently in a strange state of mind. The deployment will be underway in less than a handful of days. Somehow it went from months to DAYS. I'm doing....hell I don't know how I'm doing. On the brink of an emotional breakdown one second & happily in denial the next. I cannot believe I'm dealing with this crap again. I hate not having control over my emotions so I push them aside to deal with later, whenever later comes, usually in the form of spontaneous tears or a panic attack. Have I mentioned I hate this?

The kids seem to be doing fine. They're a lil upset that Halloween is pretty much screwed. The kids are usually fine until D-day & the weeks after then we get back into our routine & move through life regardless. They are quite resilient creatures & it helps me to remember to be like them :o)

In other news, Dave & I widened out our flower bed in front of the house. I had plans to plant some new bulbs & such but I'm not sure I'll get them in the ground in time. I may wait until Spring. I'm trying to decide whether to start making my yellow ribbons now or if I should wait until he leaves. Just a few days difference but still :oP I need to get a headstart on the ribbons I'll be putting on our Christmas tree this year. It may also help if I BUY a tree too. Maybe if I buy one early enough I won't pay a fortune for one.

I need to finish decorating the house, frame some of my photos, homey it up a bit more. There's a few pieces of furniture left to buy, nothing big just a couple of nightstands, maybe some new mattresses for the boys, & a dresser for Brendan's room. Alysia's cheerleading will start in December. I'm going to see if there's anything I can get the boys in come the first of next year. Brendan doesn't want to do basketball, that's what they're taking signups for now. But he IS interested in Track & Field, maybe come February he'll be in that. Alysia wants to do gymnastics. Camden may want to play football or T-ball. Devlan's up for anything as usual lol! So in all, I have things to keep us busy. It's still gonna be one long ass year *sigh*

Even with our lives continuing on as usual, busy lil bees we are, there will always be the emotional/mental havoc running rampant in the backs of our minds, rearing they're ugly heads when they see fit. Unfortunately that is a deployment fact.

Pick Up the Phone Tour Cancelled

What was to be an awesome tour has been cancelled. Justin Furstenfeld, lead singer/songwriter of Blue October did not appear at the Pick Up The Phone Press Conference Wednesday, October 21st on Capitol Hill in Washington DC due to a medical emergency. First thoughts are someone in his family is sick. Nope. The following was released today:

(New York, NY – October 22, 2009) The Pick Up The Phone Tour 2009 has been canceled due to the hospitalization of Justin Furstenfeld, lead singer of the tour’s headlining band Blue October. Furstenfeld, who was also the spokesperson for Pick Up The Phone Tour 2009, is being treated for suffering from an extreme mental anxiety attack. His doctors have ordered that the tour—which was committed to reducing the stigma associated with mental health, depression, and suicide—be canceled to allow for his recovery.

You can read the whole article Here


This is the perfect example of how bipolar disorder disrupts your life. You can be a person who has absolutely everything & it still strikes. You can be a spokesperson for the disease & have it knock you down. It does not discriminate. You don't wake up in the morning & go "Hey I feel like being a lil melodramatic today", it's something you have no control over.

With this disorder you fight to keep your head above water but sometimes you find yourself beneath that wave & unfortunately that's exactly what's happened to Justin. Please keep him & the rest of us who suffer from this disorder in your thoughts & prayers.

I have hope that I can stay above that wave.

You Cannot Be Serious

I've sat here for 10 minutes trying to decide how to word this blog without coming off pissy or whiney or just plain What The Fuck. Quite frankly there's no way around it. There was an incident last night that....amused me.

The deployment briefing started out how they always do, it pretty much went exactly the way I expected it would. Got some questions answered, however vaguely, but at least it was put out there. That's one of the things I like about this unit, they give info when they know it's correct, no run around. The details about how D-day will go down were laid out. An address was given out, mid tour leave discussed, etc, etc. An hour later the brief is coming to a close & it's question time.

A spouse behind & adjacent to us raises her hand, the microphone is handed to her. She wants to know if the guys who will deploy late b/c they are receiving their DWELL TIME, will be allowed mid tour leave...    If you have been reading my blog for the last month or so then you know that DWELL TIME is a bleeding, weeping, open wound for me. If you don't know this then you should go back in my archives & read it.

Now in this lady's particular case the SCO is working their issues personally. Her husband redeployed in 2007. 2007!! For 2 years he's dodged deployment & he's managed to deploy late on this one. And she has the BALLS to ask about whether he will receive mid tour leave. Why wasn't this answered with a loud resounding NO?!! What makes this couple so special that they get to enjoy their DWELL TIME together while others, like myself & Dave, get fucked over??? & then the dude will deploy 3-4 months later than everyone else & still expect to get R&R??! You've got to be fucking kidding me!!

I sat, I listened to both her question & the SCO's response. In my head I was seething. The thought to stand up & lay it out for her was running through my mind like a freight train. Dave was feeling the same emotion I was, he fully expected me to let her have it. I sat quietly until it was over. I've thought about this since I got home, first thing this morning. I can honestly say that if I could go back to that moment during the briefing I would have set her ass on fire. Such a ridiculous & thoughtless question to lay out in front of some who won't get to enjoy their dwell time. Selfish Bitch.

Now that I've got that out let me look at the bright side. My husband is a fantastic Soldier, it's what is in his blood, this is who he is. He thrives in this environment. He voluntarily waived his dwell time because he knew that his guys needed him. He didn't want to go to another unit. He likes his command & his fellow Soldiers. He's willing to do what is needed. He's a great man.

He. Did. The. Right. Thing. & that's a helluva lot more than I can say for a lot of these people. & it's most certainly one of the many, many reasons why I love him ♥

Loaded Potato Soup Anyone?

Mmm this soup was delicious & so simple to make. I baked fresh loaves of bread to go along with it, my house smelled delicious :o) Now for those of you neurotics out there who must have a specific recipe, you're gonna be disappointed. My soup does not require a recipe. It's simply a list of ingredients that you throw together & taste test until you have it how you like it. But here are the basics:

• 
  
  Potatoes - cubed, you can peel them if you like, I normally don't
  
  
  
• 
  
  Water & Chicken Broth - half of each to boil your taters in, if you don't have the broth no biggie
  
  
  
• 
  
  Butter - half a stick to a whole stick depending on how many taters you have
  
  
  
• 
  
  Green Onions - chop how much you wanna use in your soup & pop it in with the boiling taters
  
  
  

When the taters are tender, start here:

*Keep them in the water you boiled them in, it's your starter water. Turn your heat down to a medium simmer. You can mash the taters or leave them as is, trust me, once you start stirring & adding the next bit of ingredients they're gonna fall apart a bit anyway. I like mine chunkier so I don't mash them.*

• 
  
  Cream of Ckn Soup - 1 can or 2 - I use the large Family size cans b/c I have a bigger family, Duh!
  
  
  
• 
  
  Milk - It just depends on how thick or thin you want your soup as to how much you use
  
  
  
• 
  
  Sour Cream - may sound weird but it'll help thicken up your soup a bit & gives it a good Baked Potato flavor - I think I used a lil more than a cup
  
  
  
• 
  
  Ranch Dip Seasoning - the kind in the packets. Now you have to be careful here b/c the sodium content will make your soup very salty. I only used about half a packet for my LARGE pot of soup.
  
  
  
• 
  
  Bacon- fry some up to either garnish with or throw it in the soup :o)
  
  
  
• 
  
  Shredded cheese - garnish, makes your soup LOOK a lil less bland, all that white bothers me so I always add a lil orange cheddar cheese to purdy it up lol!
  
  
  

That's all there is to it. The rest is up to you & your preferences. & if you have any other suggestions and/or adds for potato soup I'd love to hear them!

Changes

So I finally managed to take the leap & cut my hair. It was really more like taking on the painstaking task of finding a new hairstylist :oP I was extremely comfortable with my stylist back home & the one thing that terrified me most about moving was the thoughts of finding a new one. But alas, the challenge came forth & I met it head on. I found a new salon & got my hair cut yesterday YAY! It was seriously becoming a hot mess & Alaina gave me the cutest lil bob that works well with my hair's tendency to curl :o)

Before: It fell below my shoulders when wet but the curls shortened it up

After: I love it, seriously it's the cutest thing. The best part is that I don't have to do a thing to it when I hop outta the shower in the mornings YAY!

So glad that's over with. Now I can get on with the rest of my life LOL!!

Pick Up The Phone Tour

My all-time favorite band, Blue October, has gotten me through quite a few of my manic spells. & I am proud to pass on the following information :o)

Justin Furstenfeld, singer for Blue October and spokesperson for the Pick Up the Phone Tour, remarks, "It has taken 20 years to have the chance to do a tour focusing on mental health issues which have been a daily battle for me for most of my life. It's great to finally be a part of a positive, progressive-thinking tour for an important cause which will make a direct impact and help people in desperate situations that need it the most."

The tickets are $25 & you can see the tour schedule HERE  I would love to go but with this deployment upon us & no sitter, it's just not going to happen. But please if you've experienced thoughts of suicide, are bipolar/manic depressive, or just wanna listen to some kick ass music, definately check them out, it could change your lives. They did mine :o)

National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) http://www.hopeline.com/
Veterans Crisis Hotline: 1-877-VET2VET(838-2838)  http://veteranscall.us/

A Lil Cynical

Interesting WashingtonPost Article Makes me laugh a lil, especially after hearing some of the rumor going around our unit.

I especially like the following 2 quotes from the article:

1. "Casey and other senior Army officials said the Army will keep pursuing its goal of giving active-duty soldiers two years at home between year-long deployments by 2011."



2. ""An increase in dwell time is the single most important thing we can do to relieve stress on the force," said Gen. Peter W. Chiarelli, the Army's vice chief of staff"


My husband didn't even get his TWELVE months at home between deployments, how in the hell do they figure they'll be able to manage TWENTY-FOUR????? It's simple. They won't. They're blowing sunshine up our ass in hopes of winning us over. So that the families left behind won't be so upset when our Soldiers are leaving, yet again. It's bullshit, plain & simple.

& don't even get me started on this mess in Afghanistan. We lost 8 guys at a COP that was being abandoned the next day..... & we fought for it WHY??? To display our show of force?? Again I'll call bullshit.

I'll shut up now before I go off the deep end.

Baking Therapy

I've had a lot on my mind lately & for some reason I thought that baking would be useful therapy. So first thing this morning after breakfast I began. I knew I was going to make cinnamon rolls for sure. Then I figured I'd make a loaf of white bread since David missed out last time I made it. & when I bake bread I always, always make honey rolls *sigh* They will surely be the scapegoat for my thighs later in life :oP

So we'll start with the super simple White Bread recipe. The original recipe makes about 4 loaves of bread so I've halfed it. It should easily feed a family of 4-6 for a week.

1 c. warm water *Hot tapwater works fine*
4 Tbsp. Sugar
1 pkg yeast
Add these 3 ingredients together, stir, & set aside until yeast has doubled in size(15 mins or so).

1 c. water
2 Tbsp. Vegetable Oil
2 tsp. salt
3 1/2 c. flour *I sometime use up to 2 extra cups of flour, it's no big deal, use what you need*
Once yeast has doubled add the ingredients together & mix with dough hooks about 6 mins. If the dough still sticks to your fingers then add another cup of flour, up to 2 cups more. If you need more than 2 extra cups it's no problem so don't get uptight & think you're doing it wrong. Making bread is a tricky process ;o)

When it's done set the dough out on a floured counter top or baking sheet & let it rest for 15 mins.  Punch the dough back down & start forming your loaves. Place them in greased loaf pans. Cover with towels & place in a warm place to rise, they should double in size.

Bake at 350 degrees for about 20-30 mins. Your house will smell so good the neighbors will be knocking down your door :o) When golden on top, pull out of oven, & rub butter over the top, mmmm.

You can keep the bread wrapped in plastic wrap in the fridge. It's good with lots of things like Meatloaf :o)


Next Up:

Honey Rolls
1 c. warm water *I use hot water from the tap*
2 1/2 tsp. instant yeast *it's the same as 1 pkg of yeast*
3 tbsp. sugar

Mix these 3 together & set aside so your yeast can rise a bit, about 10 mins or so.

1/3 c. orange juice
1/2 c. honey
4 tbsp. UNsalted butter, cut up

Go ahead & throw these in your mixer.

2 1/4 c. whole wheat flour
2 1/4 c. bread flour
1 3/4 tsp. salt

Set these aside until your yeast is ready.

When the yeast is good to go, pour it into your mixer with the juice, honey, & butter. Then add your flours & salt. Mix with a dough hook for about 6 minutes or so. It's not going to look like dough per se, it may look sticky but it shouldn't be when you touch it. Then cover & let it sit until it become puffy, 1-2 hours.

Deflate the dough & divide it out into the size rolls you like. Place them on a lightly greased baking sheet. I normally just spray some Pam EVOO on mine. Cover them yet again & let them rise another hour or so.

Bake them uncovered at 350 degrees for about 20-25 minutes. Trust me you'll start to smell them :o) They are pretty darn good topped with a slice of butter.

& Last a recipe for Homemade Cinnamon Rolls
I actually found this on The Pioneer Woman's site & this woman can bake a fantastic cinnamon roll :o) So here is her recipe. It makes 2- 4 cake pans of rolls depending on how thick want them.

2 c. whole milk
1/2 c. sugar
1/2 c. veggie oil
Heat these 3 in a pan until just before boiling point. You Do NOT want it to actually boil so keep a close check on it. Then set it aside to cool off for about an hour or so.

1 pkg active dry yeast
4 c. flour
Sprinkle yeast over cooled(but still warm) liquid & add flour. Stir until combined then cover & let it rise 1 hour. It's still gonna look sticky but trust me it's perfect :o)

1/2 c. flour
2 tsp. salt
scant 1/2 tsp. baking Soda
heaping 1/2 tsp. baking Powder
Afterwards add flour & dry ingredients. Mix together well. At this point you can refrigerate the dough if needed, for a day or 2 at most. Or you can continue on with this delicious recipe :o)

1/2 c. melted butter
1/2 cup sugar
cinnamon
Sprinkle surface with flour(keep the flour handy, you may need a tad bit more). Take half the dough & form a rectangle. Roll it out into a rectangle, thin or thick which ever you prefer. Pour HALF of the melted butter on & spread it around, then pour HALF of the sugar over the dough. Add the cinnamon, sprinkle as much as you like, whatever your taste buds are drooling for. I happen to like a nice strong cinnamon-y flavor :o)

Roll into a long roll & slice, either thin 3/4 in or thicker 1-1/4 in slices. Place them in your buttered cake pans & cover, let them rise for about 30 mins. Then bake at 400 degrees for 15 minutes.  Repeat with the other half of dough.

Frosting for Cinnamon rolls - What's a roll without it's frosting people?!!

3/4 bag of powdered sugar
1 tsp. vanilla flavoring
1/4 c. milk
1/8 c. melted butter
1/8 c. brewed coffee
dash of salt

Stir it all together well until smooth. It may be a lil thick but should be pourable. Taste & adjust as needed. Generously drizzle over your warm cinnamon rolls. Absolute Heaven!! Trust me, we had these for dessert tonight ♥

& here's our finished dinner plate:

 Fresh baked  bread, delicious mashed red potatoes, green beans from my mom's garden, & my wonderful meatloaf with a side of divine sweetness - cinnamon rolls. So, so good. Enjoy!!

Secret Love Affairs....Again :o)

I find myself in love quite a bit. Not with people but with things like spiders, frogs, bugs, animals, cupcakes, bread, pie, cameras, lenses, cars, pens, STEAK. It's probably sad but I wouldn't know because I'm wallowing in the love :oP I found this recipe over at Pioneer Woman's site & knew I must try it. It's so simple, I had the handful of ingredients hanging out in my kitchen so it was a cinch!

I started the sauce first, I knew the steaks wouldn't take long

Mmmm Steak ♥ It may not be good for my heart but it certainly IS for the Soul :o)

My finished product

I added potatoes & corn straight from family gardens back home in NC, YUMMY!! Steak was grilled to perfection, absolutely delicious. The sauce was a little too blue cheesey for me but that's easily fixed for next time. Even my picky eaters enjoyed it. So pop on over to PW's site & make this steak ASAP!! You won't be disappointed :o)

In My World

It has come to my attention that I am living happily in a state of denial. On my off days I am living in my cold, hard reality. It's quite a manic episode of emotions. Unfortunately I know that the state of denial can only last so long for this deployment is almost upon us. It's amazing the difference a year can make. Last year this time I was counting down the last few days until Dave hopped a plane & came home for R&R. He arrived on October 17-18 & departed Nov. 1st. Halloween 2008 was a grand holiday because we were together. Now I'm facing yet another set of holidays without him. This year, in the month of October, I'll be saying "See ya later" to my husband yet again. We get to spend another emotion filled year apart after a mere 7 months of "dwell time".

I go back & forth quite a bit. I look on the bright side, I make plans to keep myself busy, I focus on staying sane, & keeping my children upbeat. Then there are days when I remember the lack of communication with a man who knows how to make it better, the terrifying thoughts, the losses, the days where nothing goes right & time creeps along so slowly... the separation from the man who helps keep me together.

I stare at him a lot, trying to burn his image into my brain. I inhale his scent so deeply that I hope it implants itself into my soul. I trace the lines of his body with my hands, try to repeat his laugh inside my head. All these things I do for the "just in case" scenario. It may sound weird but this is how I prepare myself. Are you beginning to see how emotionally charged I've been? The reason for the denial?

I'm enjoying our time together, we have a week left before leave is over. We still have a few plans for family time. I'm taking lots of pictures & we're making memories :o) Among all the familiness is also the deployment preparations. More reminders. More emotional chaos. *sigh* I'm sick of all this & it hasn't even really began. But I'll keep my head up, push through it, & look forward to homecoming :o) In my world there's no other choice.

Georgia's Biggest Downside

Warning: Monstrous Spider Ahead. Do not send me your hospital bills if you fall over from the shock. You've been warned :oP & don't mind the unswept floor, we've been on vacation...

This thing literally came running into my house when the boys opened the door to go outside. I literally jumped on top of the washing machine & sat there with my eyes covered until Dave got it outta the house. Yes I cried a little. Yes I had a minor panic attack. Yes it was terrifying. Literally. :oP

Wanna see a comparison?

One of my kiddos flip flops & the monstrosity

Scared the T-total shit outta me. Dave shooed it off the porch with the broom. The spider JUMPED ON the broom. I didn't want it dead, I just want it far away from me, my kids, my back door, my house, in fact it'd be better if it lived in another country. For now it's off the porch, hopefully he'll realize the broom won this round & he'll give up trying to enter my humble abode :o)

The Sweetest Things

Here we are 6 days into October & I've yet to throw a blog together *sigh* I've missed it. So I figured I'd jump back in by sharing some pictures of our trip home :o)

My pup's baby had a baby of her own Thursday. He's the sweetest lil thing.

My kiddos played hard & passed out on the front porch at my dad's :o)

& of course these 2 darlin' lil cuties, my nieces :o)

We had a great time back home in NC. I came home with lots of goodies & photos. I somehow got talked into coming home for Christmas :oP & I was reminded of the reason for this trip. Dave's deployment. The end of leave is coming quickly & I'm not sure I'm ready. This deployment will be upon us in a matter of a couple weeks. I'm. Not. Ready. & that's all I have to say about that.