In My World

It has come to my attention that I am living happily in a state of denial. On my off days I am living in my cold, hard reality. It's quite a manic episode of emotions. Unfortunately I know that the state of denial can only last so long for this deployment is almost upon us. It's amazing the difference a year can make. Last year this time I was counting down the last few days until Dave hopped a plane & came home for R&R. He arrived on October 17-18 & departed Nov. 1st. Halloween 2008 was a grand holiday because we were together. Now I'm facing yet another set of holidays without him. This year, in the month of October, I'll be saying "See ya later" to my husband yet again. We get to spend another emotion filled year apart after a mere 7 months of "dwell time".

I go back & forth quite a bit. I look on the bright side, I make plans to keep myself busy, I focus on staying sane, & keeping my children upbeat. Then there are days when I remember the lack of communication with a man who knows how to make it better, the terrifying thoughts, the losses, the days where nothing goes right & time creeps along so slowly... the separation from the man who helps keep me together.

I stare at him a lot, trying to burn his image into my brain. I inhale his scent so deeply that I hope it implants itself into my soul. I trace the lines of his body with my hands, try to repeat his laugh inside my head. All these things I do for the "just in case" scenario. It may sound weird but this is how I prepare myself. Are you beginning to see how emotionally charged I've been? The reason for the denial?

I'm enjoying our time together, we have a week left before leave is over. We still have a few plans for family time. I'm taking lots of pictures & we're making memories :o) Among all the familiness is also the deployment preparations. More reminders. More emotional chaos. *sigh* I'm sick of all this & it hasn't even really began. But I'll keep my head up, push through it, & look forward to homecoming :o) In my world there's no other choice.