Too Much

So after sitting here for a few minutes trying to decide how to open up this post I've come to the conclusion that it's my blog I can open it however I want. Letting you know about this dilemma within myself is how I decided to do it :oP

Wanna know what happens when I start to sleep less? Mania. Or maybe the mania makes me need less sleep? Wanna know what else happens if I run off little sleep? I hear things. It's weird, yes but it happens.

I had a bit of an impulsive, reckless day today. My hunny is coming home soon & I'm running in overdrive, determined to get everything done before he gets here. Can you tell I'm not really feelin' this post? But I figured I needed to put it out there because it's part of the process. I can't piece together, or even hold together my thoughts long enough to type them out. I'll try again tomorrow, maybe it will make more sense.

New Direction

I've been doing some soul searching and I've come to a conclusion: it takes forever. lol

I've also decided that I'm going to turn this blog into my daily(HA! daily?!) journal to give us all a peek into my head, errr... life with bipolar. You may read things here that make you uncomfortable, laugh, cry, think, or believe I'm just insane. All of which are perfectly normal. I'm doing this to help myself and all of you(some like me, some not) to understand what it's like to be me on good days & bad days. I'm not putting this out there to be judged but to be UNDERSTOOD.

It's going to be a difficult process for me but I feel this is what I need to do. It's scary to put ones personal hardships out there for the world to see. I'm going in no-holds-barred though. I've decided to add a disclaimer of sorts: I am not a doctor. The things that I say here are 100% MY experiences & may vary widely compared to others with a similar/like disease. Please seek a professional opinion before attempting to come off any medications and/or self-diagnosing your illness.

Bipolar disorder is not a "by-the-book" disease, many experiences are different depending on the people afflicted. There are what I call Pillars, the basics so to speak. Once these Pillars start crumbling is when everyones experience starts to vary. My Pillars are supportive family/friends, stress free environment, good sleep habits, absolutely no use of drugs & minimal alcohol use. I'll admit that the hardest of these for me to control is alcohol use especially when I start sleeping poorly.

I am currently NOT medicated. I like myself more when I'm not feeling like a zombie just to act "normal". For me this means that I have to, at all times, be super aware of my triggers & lifestyle. I haven't been medicated for almost 8 years. Is it hard? Yes. Would it be easier to be zombie-like? Sure. Have I fallen off the deep end during those 8 years? Absolutely but I fought my way back up. The Type A personality I have demands that I know absolutely everything about this disease & how I can learn to live with it. I'll never have control over it which has been hard for me to come to terms with but I can learn ways to cope. As long as I'm willing to learn & try to understand this disease then I feel like I've got the edge :o)

Throughout this learning experience I'll give you some glimpses into my past experiences. Plus some of the things I now realize could be attributed to bipolar & not me just being crazy, which is exactly how I felt for a long time. So the journey begins & hopefully by speaking out I can help others better understand themselves and/or their loved ones.

Things I Learned From My Mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .


"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."



2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."



3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"



4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."



5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."



6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."



7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."



8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."



9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"



10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."



11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."



12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"



13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."



14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"



15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."



16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."



17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"



18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."



19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"



20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."



21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."



22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."



23.. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"



24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."



25.. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"


Happy Mother's Day!!

Countin' Down the Days

I don't talk to my husband as often as I'd like. When we do it's mostly IM's but even that hasn't been working out for us lately. I understand he's a busy man. He has a job to do & that doesn't include talking to me every day. I honestly wouldn't change a thing about it because that makes the times we DO talk that much sweeter :o)

My phone started ringing one evening this week. I'd been on the phone most of the day, texting, talking, etc so I was a lil irritated that here I was hands deep in the messy making of delicious lasagna & my phone was going off AGAIN. I washed off my hands, glanced down at my phone, & immediately the butterflies started. It was HIM! How many women in the world today can say they STILL get butterflies when their husbands call them?

The sound of his voice sets off my emotions like no other. He sounded happy & was laughing, we were making jokes & being playful. The kids got to talk to him & of course that made their day & his too ♥ When we got off the phone I was on cloud 9. I called my daddy to fill him in on the latest news from Iraq. We all miss Dave like crazy :o) & after I had time to finish up the lasagna & pop it in the oven I was an emotional mess. Absolutely no clue why but I think it finally hit me that I miss him terribly. I normally push it down & go on with my life but it gets lonely without him here.

Don't get me wrong, I am surrounded by some of the greatest friends here. I love these girls & am SO happy I found them ♥ But I think we can all agree that there's nothing like having the man we love in our arms, home safe. I forget how much he keeps me together or all the things he does for me. He spoils me & when he's gone it becomes apparent to me exactly how spoiled I am. So needless to say we're countin' down the days until he's home again. & we're feeling blessed to have such a wonderful man to miss :o)

Sorry For the Interruption Folks

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming with this brief bit of drama *beep* :

Why do you continue to stalk my website? Yes, you. You know who you are. Is your life not interesting enough? Does your douchebag husband not spread enough lies to keep you thoroughly entertained? You're both pathetic & it's time to find a new hobby. The one you're currently fixated on is about to result in injuries & ridicule that I don't think either of you can handle. In case you missed it, it's the big red button with an X at the top right hand corner of your screen. Click it & don't come back, k?! Thanks.

*beep *We now take you back to your regularly scheduled program already in progress :o)

Responsibility: Myth? Part II

Alrighty, now that you've heard my responsibility speech I'll give you the other side of my thoughts :o)

I believe healthcare reform has HUGE potential. I don't agree with everything in it, or what's written between the lines or in fine print. Yes I'm a fine print reader :oP  But if handled correctly it could be successful. Don't get me wrong, it's not going to "fix" America but it may help put us on the right track.

I received a call from my dad yesterday. He'd read my blog & wanted to talk about his thoughts on the reform. There are things that he doesn't agree with and things he does. He is one of the 40 million people in America WITHOUT healthcare. He has diabetes, high blood pressure, anxiety, & has been hospitalized for all 3. For someone is who currently out of work because of our shitty economy & his illnesses, how do you think he'll afford to pay those hospital bills? He can't. He'll sit by & pray that the hospital is kind enough to write it off. He'll try to sign up for disability but that could take years & in the meantime how does he pay his bills? He can't. So many people are currently in his situation across America. We are one of the richest countries in the world & we cannot take care of our sick and/or elderly. Healthcare Reform could help that.

I don't agree with anyone being penalized if they choose NOT to accept healthcare. You see, we are a healthy family. We don't get sick often. There have been times in my life where it was easier/cheaper for me to pay doctor's visits out of my pocket rather than pay for health insurance. It's true. So I can understand why some would choose to go without it. But on the other hand, it's healthcare provided for you, why wouldn't you take advantage of that?

I could sit the whole day & highlight the pros & cons. We could go back and forth. I can see both arguing sides, they both have good points. But in the end what can it really hurt to give this reform a try. If it doesn't work then we'll scrap it and try again. & I'll just end by saying that had we taken greater responsibility for ourselves, our actions or lack thereof, & others, there would be no reason for this debate that has, once again, split our country in half.

I guess one thing I'll never understand is how someone can be so for or against something that they would let their opinions ruin friendships or use it as justification for being simply horrible to other people. Case in Point:

Responsibility: Myth?

So I've been sitting idly by for the past few weeks watching this Healthcare Reform debate escalate into something unbecoming of society. This whole system is fucked. I've read article after article, watched debate after fucking debate, seen FRIENDS get pissed at each other because of differing opinions over this issue, and my words are: It's(America) fucked. Don't get me wrong, I love America & everything it stands for but our government is going to Hell in a handbasket & we are driving the bus.

I believe that somewhere along Society's growth pattern we decided that we shouldn't be responsible for ourselves, that the government owed us. So we've ultimately laid all our problems at the governments feet & said "Fix it". & in turn they've tried to do exactly what we asked. Unfortunately it's left us a bunch of whiny, sniveling brats. The govt now has so much control that many fear our "freedom" is about to become govt ran. We've only done this to ourselves. Ask and you shall receive but there's great responsibility and consequences that follow. Be careful what you ask for.

So the govt did it's best & tried to fix our problems. What we didn't realize is that it COSTS MONEY. We pay more in taxes. Did you think the govt help was going to be free?? So we're taxed to the point that every day life is a struggle. As if it wasn't bad enough when we laid all our problems at the gov'ts door in the first place. So in the end we ALL fucked up. The govt shouldn't have coddled us & handed our fix to us. They should have taught us responsibility, made us responsible for our actions, & gave us the tools we needed to fix it on OUR OWN, without handouts. As a society we should hold ourselves & each other more responsible for our well-being. At what point did we become such selfish pricks?? There are so many people out there who have the means to help other people but refuse. Why? "Those with the ability have the greatest responsibility."

“It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.” & this folks, is exactly what we are dealing with today, the consequences of letting someone else hold up our end of the bargain. The gov'ts job includes justice, equality, & an obligation to provide economic stability. Now here's where I may piss a few people off. No where in the list of jobs the govt is supposed to uphold does it include Healthcare. Sorry but it doesn't. It SHOULD include setting up standards for healthcare making it fair & equal for everyone, ensuring that the healthcare system doesn't rip us all a new asshole. We shouldn't be without healthcare because we have a pre-existing condition or we can't afford it. Healthcare should be AFFORDABLE & available for ALL. There should be restrictions put on doctors/specialists/drug companies charges. It should be FAIR, whether it's based on your yearly income or medical needs.

I understand that healthcare is essential. But it comes back to this: America was founded to be a country of free, independent individuals & we've slowly become a country dependent on it's government. The more we ask of them, the more we pay for it. It's time to stand up & take responsibility for ourselves & others. This new Healthcare Reform is NOT going to fix our problems.

Did you know that the most prevalent illnesses can be avoided by simply taking better care of yourself? TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

FYI: I currently have family members who cannot afford healthcare. These same family members have diseases/illnesses that require constant attention. I am in NO WAY saying that "oh well you should be on your own". I am saying that the government should make healthcare FAIR & AFFORDABLE so the people in need the most can get the care & medication necessary. I will help my family in any way I can because I have the means. I'll pay for the medication, I'll pay the doctor's bills, etc. I am taking responsibility for others welfare. I am taking responsibility of MY OWN by eating better & exercising. It's got to start somewhere.

“We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.” ~Bill Maher

*No worries, this isn't the end of my thoughts, just pausing*